42: The Gift of Surrendering to Life and Love: A Journey to Fearless Authenticity

Have you ever wondered what it truly means to surrender? 

I want to share a personal journey with you - my recent experience of falling in love again. After years of focusing on my work and personal growth, I felt a deep desire for an intimate relationship, but with clear boundaries and intentions. Through prayer and meditation, I set my intentions for a conscious relationship, breaking free from codependency and hyper-independence.

As I share my personal experiences and insights, we'll explore the importance of embodying our true selves, embracing our unique perspectives, and honouring our own needs and boundaries. This experience involves surrendering into the present moment, letting go of what we know, and being open to the wisdom of our lived experiences.

Here are the key takeaways from this episode:

01:50 - The purpose of being true to oneself

04:00 - Experiencing the gift of falling in love again

06:05 - The importance of clarity in understanding one’s needs

07:23 - Moving from hyper independence to interdependence in relationships

10:50 - What surrendering really means

14:07 - The role of curiosity in conscious relationships

Resources:

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About Me:

I help you lead with fearless authenticity by smashing the self-imposed heteronormative stereotypes that keep you playing small through emotional healing inner child and inherited intergenerational trauma.

Create a purposeful life of your unique design by disrupting societal norms and expectations of who you should be.

Explore mindfulness, music, fearless curiosity and loving kindness through the lens of Human Design to thrive as the person you are born to be.

Learn more about my coaching method and join my emotional healing, mindfulness, and music community at melissaindot.com.

Transcript

[00:00:00] Surrendering really means stepping into the present moment and taking everything you know and you've learned, understanding it, and then letting it all go. Being open to the wisdom of the lived experience you're in right now. It means really being present with the unknown. It means fully embodying who you are in this moment in time. And being open to seeing how life is going to respond to you, what life has to offer you.

[00:00:36] Hey there, welcome to the Fearlessly Curious podcast, your safe space to listen, lean in, and learn the diversity of human experiences through the lens of fearless curiosity. When we learn more about each other, we also learn more about ourselves. How? Because when we listen to each other's curiosities and experiences, we relate to that which is in common and that which sets us apart, gives us something to reflect on. We learn through and with each other. I'm grateful to you, the global community, for your curious questions, the Fearlessly Curious Podcast cannot exist without you.

[00:01:23] Welcome to another edition of the Fearlessly Curious podcast. This week, I want to talk about the gift behind surrendering to both life and love. Some of you who have been following my content on Instagram and LinkedIn will notice that there's been a shift in the content that I'm creating. Of course, my focus is always about curiosity and my mission is to support you.

[00:01:50] How to show up in life with fearless authenticity, how to live your truth, how to live your purpose and your greatest purpose, of course. is to be the most honest, truthful, wholesome version of who you're born to be. And what does that even mean? My purpose? To be who I'm born to be? Well, absolutely, yes. We are conditioned in this world that is built around systems That 

[00:02:16]  helps & teaches us, in fact, to abandon who we are to become someone we are not. We are given labels so that we have a sense of belonging, but those labels often become limits without awareness. We long to fit in, but in longing to fit in and aspiring to fit into groups, we often abandon who we are. We often minimise, we often shame sometimes, even guilt different aspects of ourselves in order to fit into these groups.

[00:02:48] Our purpose is to be who you're born to be, the most unique version of who you are, which means having the courage, knowing that you have the resilience and the natural ability to shine in a way that is natural to you. That if you don't belong to a certain group, if you don't fit in, if your opinions are different, if you look different, if you feel differently, if you see the world differently, it is for a reason.

[00:03:08] It's because you bring a unique perspective to the world and to humanity. And this unique perspective based on your unique experiences. is much needed. It is how we learn through each other. It's how we learn about diversity. It's how we learn to see the world in a different way. If we all showed up in the same way, imagine how boring the world would be.

[00:03:30] Everybody would have the same opinion and nothing would change. By showing up as who you're meant to be, by showing up with curiosity, by constantly asking questions and being in discovery mode, we get to experience new things. And when we hold space for others to share their experiences, their unique point of view and perspectives, we learn a different way, not just to see the world, but possibly to even experience the world.

[00:03:56] So, back to the topic. How can we surrender to life and love more to appreciate the gift of that surrender? Very recently I've experienced the gift of falling in love again. It's been many, many years since I have been in a relationship and I'm feeling nervous even sharing this because it's just so personal, but it's been so transformational for me that I would be doing not just myself a disservice but my mission a disservice if I didn't share this.

[00:04:28] I have I've been single for four years, and I have, in that time, I've really focused on my work and my mission, coaching and awareness and everything that you already know that I do as a coach and as a content creator and as a person who is committed not just to my own personal and spiritual growth, emotional growth and emotional healing, but in supporting others through my own experiences and hyper focusing on my work has left little, if not no room for any form of intimate relationship.

[00:04:56] Yes, I have friends. Yes, I have a social life. But really having the sort of intimacy that we have in one on one relationships, I never make not need time for. And last year, I felt a desire to be in an intimate relationship again, a one on one relationship, but with very clear boundaries and very clear intentions.

[00:05:14] And I started to pray on it. I started to meditate on it. I want so much, I want so much to share my life's experiences, my joys, my struggles, so that my burdens can be hard when they're shared, but also so my celebrations can be multiplied when they're shared in an intimate relationship. So I prayed and prayed for it, and I was very clear about what I desired and what I needed, and what I desire and need is to be in a conscious relationship.

[00:05:39] That means to no longer repeat the patterns of codependent relationships I've been in. Which looked like my identity being completely ruled by the person that I was with and meant that I constantly abandoned who I am and my own needs in order to meet the needs of somebody else, my partner, my partners, to make them happy, to please them, because that made me feel loved and needed.

[00:06:05] In my years of personal growth, I have come to learn that as I get clear on what my own needs are, I'm able to understand what is required to meet those needs. And if I require someone to support me in meeting those needs, I get clear on how to communicate not just my needs, but how to meet my needs. And as I gained more clarity, I gained more confidence with my clarity, and as I gained more confidence with my clarity, I felt far more empowered to show up as who I am.

[00:06:36] This has enabled me to be able to share my needs with the people around me that I love, without the expectation of them to meet my needs, because my friends, at the end of the day, we are responsible for our own lives. Yes, you. You want a great life. You are responsible for creating that great life. You can communicate to the people around you how they can support you, but not everybody is going to be able to do that.

[00:07:00] And so what is important is that once you get the clarity, we gain the confidence that we're able to assimilate and be able to acknowledge that not everybody is for us. Not everybody has the ability or capability or capacity to meet our needs. So we have to learn how to meet our own needs. Anybody else who's able to support us on that is a bonus.

[00:07:23] So my desire, my intention, my dream, my wish was to be in a conscious relationship where I no longer was codependent. I didn't need somebody to meet my needs. But I also wanted to move out of hyper independency, which is where I had fallen to. In the years that I was focused on my work, I met my own needs. I didn't need anybody at all.

[00:07:43] But that kept me feeling isolated, separate, and lonely in many ways. So moving away from codependency and now moving away from hyper independency. I'm choosing to go into interdependency where I can be in an intimate relationship with someone where we can walk the path of growth together in life as individuals, honouring our own path, honouring our own growth, honouring our own pain, honouring our own joy.

[00:08:15] Whilst accompanying each other on that journey. So as I prayed for it nine months that ten months nearly a year I was gifted I would say this opportunity to be in conscious relationship and over the last couple of months, I had been sharing about what it's been like to be in conscious relationship and what it looks to me like is that everything that I've learned and everything that I understand and I've studied and I've theorised and I have counselled, coached, and in some ways, therapized not just myself but my clients.

[00:08:50] I now have the opportunity to embody, to truly live and practise organically in real time and it's been extraordinary. It's been an extraordinary practice of showing up as who I am and in great vulnerability. And as I mentioned, getting very clear about my own needs, I'm feeling how my confidence is building up.

[00:09:09] I've always had very low self esteem. I've always had a very confused sense of self because I very much define myself according to the people I'm with and I'm learning who Melissa is. And also learning how to hold space for my own fears, hold space for my own triggers, hold space for the shadow parts of me.

[00:09:26] My bad temper, my frustration, my anger, my low moods, a humanness in me and a shadow side. I've been able to hold space for that and sit in this discomfort truly until the wisdom of the language can show up so I know how to communicate this with my partner so it doesn't come from a place of blame. It doesn't come from a place of scarcity and not enoughness, but it comes from an empowered place of knowing where I am and who I am and how I'm feeling in that moment and being able to express what my needs are.

[00:09:56] And sometimes being able to express that I don't have the answer, that I don't know what my needs are, but I can simply describe how I'm feeling in the moment and guide my partner, my friend, my lover, how to be with me in those difficult moments. And it's been truly extraordinary. And what that has really required is a complete surrender of everything that I think I should do.

[00:10:26] Everything that I think I should be, right? So this may sound contradictory because I've just mentioned I've studied all these things. And yes, of course, I've studied all these things because I've read case studies. I've learned through other people's experiences, but now I have to apply everything I've learned without limiting myself, the opportunity to experience it in my own path.

[00:10:50] And surrendering really means stepping into the present moment and taking everything you know and you've learned, understanding it, and then letting it all go. Being open to the wisdom of the lived experience you're in right now. It means really being present with the unknown. It means fully embodying who you are at this moment in time.

[00:11:16] And being open to seeing how life is going to respond to you, what life has to offer you. And when I say life, I also mean that other person that you're presenting yourself to, you're being vulnerable with. It's letting go of any expectation of how they should respond to you. It's being able to witness the other person for who they are.

[00:11:38] And being deeply patient. and trusting. In fact, it's about having deep, deep faith that you have everything that you need right now, in this moment, and that life itself is always supporting you. And that no matter how much trouble and struggle your body may feel discomfort with, that there is a purpose to it, and that you will discover what that purpose is.

[00:12:03] If only you surrender to that moment, and when we have the ability, the courage, the aligned timing, and I call it divine timing, to lay yourself bare, surrender to the moment, be completely vulnerable, let your guard down, take your armour off, that armour that we put on to protect ourselves from hurt and pain that we've experienced in the past, when we can finally just let that down slowly and allow it to happen in stages.

[00:12:32] We also allow life and love to come in, because it's impossible to build a shield and armour that only keeps the bad stuff out. That is what surrendering to life and love brings you. It brings you more love, it brings you more life, it brings you more joy, and it brings you most of all, an incredible sense of freedom.

[00:12:57] So this week I'm going to keep it short and sweet just to share my life update with you right now. And I invite you to write to me in the newsletter, comment on my content on my different social media platforms and ask me questions. As I continue to navigate surrendering to life and experiencing the abundance of life and love, I will continue to share it with you.

[00:13:21] It requires. deep, deep faith. It requires a courage that no words could even begin to describe, but that I know truly already lives in you because we had it as children. We have it when we allow ourselves to step out of our minds, to step out of the construct of our mind's need in order to define not just who we are, but the experiences that we have.

[00:13:45] And I know that these words may land and seem impossible to achieve. And that's because it's not something to achieve, it's something to simply be. And because I'm going through it right now, I want you to know that I'm living proof as a human, just like you, that it is possible. And in any way that I can serve and support by sharing my story, that's what I'm doing right now.

[00:14:07] One of the fundamental practices in intimacy, for me, has been curiosity. Rather than allowing my assumptions and the narrative in my mind to lead the way. So I see the way someone behaves, I see the way someone in an intimate relationship speaks to me, and I get into a story, I make an assessment, I come to make a judgement, and I notice that.

[00:14:28] And what I do is I park that, and I lean into my fearless curiosity, and I ask authentically for that person to explain to me what it is that they need. I ask them, what is it that you actually need? I see that you're very angry. What do you need right now? That is the fundamental, foundational layer from which to set the tone for your conscious relationships, at least that's my practice right now, is to inquire, is to be curious.

[00:14:57] What is making you angry right now? How can I support you? What do you love? How can I amplify what you love? What are your needs? And if you don't know your needs, that's okay. So those are just a couple of prompts. And in the next episode, I'm going to dive into love language, because the love language by Gary Chapman, and I've mentioned this before, it's such a profound system, I would say, to understand how you love other people and how you like to be loved by other people.

[00:15:26] But more importantly, you get to understand how the person that you love needs to be loved, how they appreciate to be loved. Because more often than not, we love other people according to our own measure of love. But what we need to do is understand how the other person measures love and love them by that language.

[00:15:46] So I'll stop there. Thank you for tuning in every week. We're dropping, if you may have noticed. Instead of releasing one episode a week, I'm pulling back to two episodes a month so that I can give more space to this content. You are such a deep thinking and open hearted community. I'd love to give you more space to be able to bathe yourself in the information, in the wisdom, in the sharings.

[00:16:13] Give you more space to inquire, to be fearlessly curious. With me and basically give you more space in life. We have such a wealth of information out there and from all the time that I've taken off this year, this summer, in fact, the last summer, I've been able to gain more clarity and more peace in life now in order for me to.

[00:16:32] Propagate that to you, in order for me to encourage that from you. I, too, have to pull back the content and give you more space to take it all in. Invite you again to get into the community. It's free. And the first way to do that is to sign up for the newsletter. So until next week, my friends, when I'll dive more into love language and alternative love languages, I remind you to remain fearlessly curious.

[00:17:03] If you want more, make sure to subscribe so you never miss a new episode every Friday. And please leave a review if you enjoy this episode. Don't forget to send me your curious questions and experiences as inspiration for future episodes. Your anonymity will be respected if that's what you prefer. For more guidance and support, join my emotional healing, mindfulness and music community over at melissaindot.com. See you next week!